I Caught Myself
by Kagome4455
Summary: I can't stand how much I love you...' "Now when I caught myself/I had to stop myself/From saying something.../That I should've never thought.../Of you.../Of you..." Kagome struggled with how much she loves InuYasha...


_Disclaimer: I do not own anything… (Sobs)_

_**A/n: This song is originally in the "Twilight" soundtrack, but the lyrics seem to be so InuYasha and Kagome x] ENJOY! The Song Is By Paramore ^_^ Depending on the response, I'll make another oneshot. I'll either post it by itself or just add it to here and make a twoshot out of it. AGAIN! ENJOY! **_

**I Caught Myself**

_Down to you  
You're pushing and pulling me down to you...  
But I don't know what I…_

_  
**'I shouldn't love him…'**_

Kagome bit her lip, watching InuYasha sitting under Goshinbuko, his eyes closed in sleep. His ears twitched every so often, the small white appendages barely showing against his white hair, his hands tucked into the sleeves of his red fire-rat robe, legs crossed Indian-style, head bowed in sleep. His sword was at his hip, as always, he never ever left the Tetsusaiga_. _

She sighed, walking to his side and then sitting, her knees to her chest, watching him sleep. She didn't understand why she loved him so much. It seemed impossible. He wasn't the nicest guy in the world. He still loved Kikyou. He never treated her properly…

And yet…

_Now when I caught myself  
I had to stop myself  
From saying something...  
That I should've never thought…  
_

She ran her fingers through her hair, digging her face into her knees, biting her lip hard. There was so many times where she wanted to tell him she loved him. So many moments when they were alone, just InuYasha and Kagome, without the shards to worry about, Naraku, Kikyou, Sango and Miroku's constant fighting, nothing. Just the two of them BEING. When he looked at her like she meant the world to him. God, those were the times were the words bit at her tongue, danced on her lips, and she was so close to saying them.

But her fear was paralzing. She would let her mind wander to Kikyou, who, although dead, still held InuYasha's heart in a death grip. How he would be so mean to her at times, as if he didnt care about her at all. How embarassed he seemed by people saying things about the two of them being together. She would always wince, since those were the times where he hurt her the most, and the words would be lost in her sorrow. They would go back down her throat into her aching heart. Only to come back and follow the same process as before.

_**'I can't stand how much I love you...'**_

_Now when I caught myself  
I had to stop myself  
From saying something...  
That I should've never thought...  
Of you...  
Of you..._

"Damn It..." Kagome got up, the tears stringing her eyes. She couldnt do this. Not now. Not like this. InuYasha was asleep, sure, but he would smell her tears and wake up, asking what was wrong, using either the sweet tone she loved.

Or the mean tone she hated.

Who was she to think she could change him? Not change him, exactly, but try to get the more caring side of him out more? She had no authority over him. He didnt listen to her because he loved her. He listened because she was the miko here, the one who found the shards, pissing her off too much would lead to her going home, and no shards, no nothing.

"Thats all I am..." The tears fell and she turned from InuYasha's sleeping body, putting her face into her hands. "Damn It..." She sobbed, her body shaking. They had been just talking before all this, then InuYasha nodded off, leaving her to these thoughts. Just watching him filled her with love and happiness, but now she was drowning in her sorrow again. She just couldnt be happy around him, not like this. Not with all this pain welling up in her chest, burning a hole in her heart that made her feel as if she would fall apart at the seams any minute.

_**' Why can't you just love me back...'**_

_You're pushing and pulling me down  
To you  
But I don't know what I want...  
No, I don't know what I want..._

**_' I should hate you. I shouldnt love you. What is it that I want here? What am I trying to achieve with you?'_**

A small groan made her jump a bit, but she knew it would come eventually. His nose was too strong to let her tears go unnoticed, as much as she would have liked that to have happened. She just wished he would just stay asleep. For once that damn nose wouldnt work and she could have a good cry or at least have time to run to Kaede's hut and cry in peace.

But, no. InuYasha's amber orbs were opening, looking into her direction and blinking the sleep away. "K-Kagome?" He asked in a sweet, sleepy tone that had her frozen to the spot. Even without trying, he was making her want to kiss him, to tell him how she felt, to just spill her feelings already. Why couldnt she just say it? It was so easy, so simple... With the way he was looking at her, eyes full of sleep and worry, his scratching his eyes, it made her want to just say it, especially since she was crying like this. It would be easier.

_**'But how many times had Kikyou seem him like this? Felt the same way you do now? How many times did she smile at him and this tone and just leaned down to kiss him? How many times did he respond and kiss back? Your love for him is nothing compared to what they had, Kagome... Just dont even bother to try...'**_

The thoughts were swimming in her head and she couldnt speak, couldnt think of anything but those thoughts. Even as he rose to his feet, looking at her with pure worry in his eyes, she couldnt speak. She just shook her head, feeling like her body was going to give out any second. Her hair was hiding her face but she knew he smelt the tears. She could hear his words of kindness and worry, his steps bringing him closer and closer to her. She just couldnt speak.

Only think the thoughts that broke her heart...

_You got it  
You got it  
Some kind of magic...  
Hypnotic  
Hypnotic  
You're leaving me breathless..._

"Kagome? Whats wrong?" She felt a hand on her shoulder, his hand, trying to sooth her a bit. "Kagome? Say something..." He wasnt ordering her, he was pleading with her. It hurt her even more. She knew he hated it when she cried.

But she couldnt help it! What was she supposed to do?! Her heart was breaking! This fire was in her body, leaving a large, gaping hole that felt like was going to break her in half! Her arms wrapped around her body at the thought. Her body was shaking so badly... It was actually hurting... She felt her legs shaking. Then, with a tiny whimper, she fell to her knees.

"Kagome!" His voice was full of shock and he grabbed her, holding her close to him. She would have blushed if the pain in her heart was making her want to curl into a ball and die. "Kagome?! Whats wrong?! Dammit, Kagome! Answer me!" His voice became more urgent, not angry, just scared.

"I-I..." Kagome tried to speak, but it was so hard to through all her tears. Those thoughts were driving her insane. It was making her feel so sad, so empty, so alone. It wasnt fair... She loved him so much... And she would never be anything to him... Kikyou was who he loved, not her... But, he was holding her now, right? He was here, not with Kikyou. His arms were around her, trying to sooth her, not Kikyou. Kagome was the one that mattered, right?

_**'But how many times was Kikyou in his arms? Crying to him with her own sorrows and worries? Your not the one who owns his heart. She is. He's holding you out of pity. Maybe he feels like this is familiar. He doesnt see you. He sees her. He always will see her... Get over your delusions, Kagome... Your love is unreturned...'**_

It was impossible to stop thinking this way. How could InuYasha love her? She knew that she wouldnt be thinking these things if she didnt have doubts. If she wasnt scared. If she didnt always find herself sitting in her room, staring at the ceiling and wondering why she was never good enough...

"Kagome! Answer me!" He looked like he wanted to shake her until she answered him. When Kagome looked into his eyes, she saw worry, plain and simple. He was worried about her. There could be more, but her brain wasnt registering it.

Instead, words she were thinking slipped out a silent whimper. A whimper she regreted the minute it left her lips.

"I shouldnt love you..."

_I hate this  
I hate this  
You're not the one I believe in...  
With God as my witness..._

_Now when I caught myself  
I had to stop myself  
From saying something...  
That I should've never thought..._

First, his eyes filled with confusion. Ok, she could deal with that. It hurt less if he was confused. If he didnt understand her, he could just bark that she was being stupid, like he always did. He could just ignore her feelings for him as usual. He'll blow the comment off, as if she hadnt even spoken, then say they needed to go back to Kaede's to prepare to get more jewel shards. He'll say that her being an idiot is wasting their time, its late, Naraku could be anywhere. Yes, confusion was perfect. It would still hurt, yes, but it wouldnt be something she wasnt used to.

Then, there was embarassment. That actually hurt. He was embarrassed of her comment. As if she had told him she caught him drooling or something. She was hurting, true, but she could handle this like it was confusion. He would ask her what she meant, or act like he didnt hear and ask what she said. Kagome would just laugh the best she could, say it was nothing, and convince him to let it go. He'd still think about it, sure, but then forget it the next time he thought of Kikyou. Perfect. It would hurt more than confusion, but, again, it wasnt new.

But, then there was pain. This one lasted in his eyes. She felt herself wincing at the thought of hurting him. How did her comment hurt him? He didnt love her. But the pain was there. She couldnt handle that. There was no way to blow it off as if she hadnt spoken, or act like it was a misunderstanding. No, InuYasha understood her clearly, and her comment had hurt him. The way his eyes trembled made her shiver, made her realize how badly she had hurt him. She didnt mean to. She was hurting too, wasnt she? And he was probably just upset that she was in love with him. Yes, that was it. She would leave if he didnt return the feelings. Just walk away, go to the well, and go home for a week or two. InuYasha would act like it was nothing, she would hurt on the inside, but things would get better. They would go back to the way they were. She kept trying to see the possiblity of that in his eyes, but the pain was the only thing reflecting back at her...

The silence was killing her. The pain in his eyes was killing her. "InuYasha..." She reached out a hand to rest on his cheek and he let her touch his face, him closing his eyes, ears drooping to his head. "Why are you so sad?" No matter how much he hurt her, she loved him, she cared about him. Any decision would be his own. She would just have to accept it and love him from afar. It would hurt like hell, she knew it, but if he was happy...

She would force herself to be...

_Now when I caught myself  
I had to stop myself  
From saying something...  
That I should've never thought of you of you...  
You're pushing and pulling me down to you...  
But I don't know what I want...  
No, I don't know what I want..._

"Kagome... I-I..." He shook his head, trying to find the words to say, she knew. She was preparing herself for the rejection. She knew he was going to reject her. She had the feeling in her stomach, the weird twisting of her muscles, making her want to throw up. She was going to start crying in pain again, she knew she was so close to. But she had to be strong for him. She had to be his rock. She loved him and would be his friend if he needed it.

_**'But never his love...'**_

InuYasha opened his eyes, staring at her. She felt so hurt by his gaze, how those amber eyes always got into her soul. Digging, digging, digging, until they got to her core and spilled every ounce of herself out. He knew her so well. He knew her better than she wanted him to. He had her heart, his eyes now showed that he knew that, and she was ready to be rejected by him. She would only get hurt by him... She only wanted to be hurt by him...

"You love me..." His words were soft, thoughtful. He wasnt smiling, his mouth was a thin line, his face a mask of thought. She nodded, not wanting to look at him anymore. She had prepared herself for the rejection, but god... It was going to be so hard not to cry when he spoke again, looking at him now was making her eyes water. She closed her eyes, feeling the liquid beginning to squeeze out from under her eyelids.

She felt his hand on her chin, lifting her face to his gaze. She opened her eyes a bit, the tears now falling down from her eyes and sliding down her cheeks. His thumb wiped some away, his eyes staring at her thoughtfully. Then, he leaned his head down, closing his eyes and capturing her in a kiss...

_Don't know what I want...  
But I know it's not you...  
Keep pushing and pulling me down...  
But I know in my heart it's not you..._

She kept telling herself that this wasnt happening. She was dreaming. She knew in her heart it wasnt him kissing her. It had to be a dream. But then, her heart seemed to explode in her chest and her arms wrapped around his neck, her kissing him back. The tears still fell down her face, falling to the ground. His arms went to her waist, bringing her close to him. She had to be dreaming... She just had to be...

His lips were so soft. She never thought they would be as soft as this. Her dreams were clearly not this good. His arms around her were firm yet gentle. Truly InuYasha. The way his hair caught the setting sun as they parted for air, his eyes glistening at her, that was something too real to be a dream. The gaze was sending shivers down her spine. He looked less in pain now. He looked back with love in his eyes. Love Kagome thought she was never going to see as long as she lived. Not in her direction, anyway...

"I know I have hurt you Kagome... But I promise you... I love you more than you think..." He wiped tears from her eyes again. "I know you think you shouldnt love me... If thats how you feel, then I cant do a damn thing about it... I can only wait until you realize that I love you and I know its you I should love... Even if you think you shouldnt love me..."

_Now when I caught myself...  
I had to stop myself...  
From saying something...  
That I should've never thought...  
Now when I caught myself...  
I had to stop myself..._

"I-InuYasha..." Her voice came out a tiny whimper, her looking at him in pure confusion. "But- but I thought... I thought you didnt love me... I thought..." She bit her lip. She always had been one to keep her thoughts to herself. She never wanted to say the wrong thing and end up hurting somone. But wasnt that what she had been doing all along? She would always tell everyone and sometimes InuYasha himself that he didnt love her. He didnt care about her as much as Kikyou. Had she been saying something she should have never thought?

"Kagome..." He ran his thumb over her cheek, gliding the tears off her skin. "I love you, ok? Your always so smart and quick to realize stupid shit that doesnt make sense... But your so oblvious to this..." He looked like he was going to laugh, but his expression was soft. More soft than Kagome had ever seen. She wondered if he looked at Kikyou this way, she admitted it, but the way his eyes sparkled, so full of hope and promise, she just knew...

Kikyou never had his heart the way she did...

"Oh... InuYasha..." The tears kept spilling, but her heart wasnt breaking anymore. It was ok... Everything was ok now... "I love you too..." She leaned up and captured his lips in a kiss that he greatly accepted. Her mind was free of all those other thoughts. The ones that had made her numb inside, breaking her more and more until she was going to become nothing. She had been weakened by them so badly that she failed to see how InuYasha loved her as much as she loved him. But, it was going to be ok now...

She didnt have to wondering what she wanted...

_**'Now... I know what I want...'**_

_From saying something  
That I should've never thought of you  
I knew...  
__I know in my heart it's not you...  
I knew...  
but now I know what I want...  
I want...  
I want...  
Oh no...  
I've should have never thought..._

* * *

_**A/n: FINALLY! THE END! :D I have been working on this thing non-stop during school, with surprisingly little errors in spelling and such. Sooo you see that button? You know! That one right there! Press it. Ok, now... Write what you thought about the story. Good. Great! Now! Press the button to submit it. You did it? GREAT! **_

_**YOU JUST REVIEWED! :D **_

_**~Kagome4455~**_


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